LAUGH LINES

Hold Your Fire: Yugoslavia is holding talks with envoys from the West and Russia. “If there’s a settlement near, NATO is bound to accidentally hit it.” (Daily Scoop)

Stands to Reason: Survivors of a sinking cruise liner sang the theme song to “Titanic” throughout the ordeal. “Many other survivors spoke of how they jumped over the side to deal with impending horror of hearing that song again.” (Jon Stewart)

Changing Channels: President Clinton has ordered an investigation into entertainment-related violence. “The probe will include whether Acme violated any laws by providing Wile E. Coyote with so many weapons.” (Daily Scoop)

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Steve Voldseth’s Essential

List of the Day

Top five surprises in the new “Star Wars” movie:

5. Yoda’s nude scene.

4. Tattooine embassy destroyed by errant NATO missile.

3. C-3PO is only 4 feet 8.

2. Billy Dee Williams has cameo as ticket taker in lobby.

1. Darth Buttafuoco.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.